


Something You Could Ever Want

by NervousEnergy



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:28:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25203973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousEnergy/pseuds/NervousEnergy
Summary: Out here it was different, telling someone your name meant giving them power, power to influence, to coerce, to harm. Her silence spoke louder than any name could because what she was really saying was I don’t trust you. And Ellie understood, she didn’t trust her either.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 77





	Something You Could Ever Want

**Author's Note:**

> Everything from part 2 happens but Dina wasn't there/Ellie hadn't met her yet. It starts just after Ellie's fight at the end with Abby and then follows her for the next few months to when she meets Dina. Don't think it will be too long. maybe 3 parts.

She stumbled to shore, lay bleeding and cowering in a damp cave. There was nothing left. Nothing to return to, nothing of the person she once was. The world had been cruel; had taken everything from her, chewed up her innocence, her morality, the very essence of what it meant for her to be human. It spat out a shell, an inky black depth that went by the name of Ellie, it wore her skin and it sounded like her but Ellie knew better. 

She’d laid there for hours, shivering, contemplating tending to her wounds but never moving from her place in the wet sand.

_See what happens_

The steady dripping of blood from her bitten off fingers slowed, as did the re opened gash on her stomach. And of course Ellie couldn’t have the things she wanted, death would be too easy. It made sense, when everything else had been taken from her, why would she expect anything in return? Even a final mercy? 

Blood loss had made her weak but she found the strength to sew the gash in her abdomen closed again, methodically cleaned and wrapped her fingers as she’d done to many in her younger years at the infirmary in Boston. 

The cold set in to her bones, Ellie hugged her knees and the movement made her gasp. Her abdomen ached. Moonlight sent a sheen across the slick cave walls and the sound of waves carried Ellie’s thoughts to a conversation she’d had in what felt another life. 

_“What are you scared of?”_

_“Being by myself… I’m scared of ending up alone.”_

Ellie was gasping, gagging, she clutched her hands to her mouth. Another gasp of pain and she couldn’t breathe. She cried out and Joel’s mangled face flashed before her. A high pitched ringing and she knew she was screaming, suffocating. The edges of her vision turned black, crept inward to consume her. 

_“I was meant to die in that hospital!”_

She dug her fingers into her skin, enough to draw blood. His face flashed again and she forced her eyes open looking for anything to make it stop. A focal point, her eyes found the shiny moonlit walls. 

_When you’re lost in the darkness. Look for the light._

X

The house Ellie stood in had been abandoned years ago, paint peeled from the walls in uneven strips of off-white and dirt-brown. Windows shattered and furniture rotted, eaten by termites and years of water damage and yet it could be enough shelter for a night or two. 

Ellie tried to picture it in her mind, twenty-five years ago when this house would have stood in its prime. For a moment she almost saw it, clean walls, intact carpet and a lazy afternoon sun shining in from the corner kitchen window, tiny golden dust particles in the air, Ellie took a slow calming breath-

Behind her, a floorboard creaked. Ellie whipped round, raised her gun. She was met with the barrel of a shot gun. 

“Don’t move,” A voice said. Ellie tore her eyes from the gun aimed at her head to the intruder, a young woman, dark hair and freckles. “Drop your weapon.” 

“No,” Ellie held tight to her own gun. 

“Are you stubborn or just stupid? Put down the gun or I shoot.” 

“Do it,” Ellie challenged. 

_See what happens_

Maybe Ellie would be granted her final mercy. 

The woman’s eyes widened the tiniest fraction and Ellie thought maybe she hadn’t expected that response. The woman sighed, “Stupid then.” She cocked the weapon and it wasn’t the first time Ellie had stared down the barrel of a gun, but if she was lucky, she hoped it would be the last. 

A blinding crack and searing pain, Ellie stumbled to the ground clutching her head, she could feel hot blood seeping from the split in her forehead. “What the fuck! You fucking hit me?” Ellie pulled away her hand to confirm the damage and as she’d thought, blood covered her palm. 

“Shit,” The woman said. 

Ellie dived at the woman, aiming for her knees and bringing her to the ground. Another crack but this time it was the woman’s head hitting the floor, she groaned. Blood leaked into Ellie’s eye and dripped down onto the woman’s face. They scuffled but Ellie was stronger, she kicked the gun away from the two of them and held the woman down by her arms, locking them beneath her knees. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” She shouted. 

Ellie held her around the neck, tightening her grip and cutting off the woman’s oxygen. What was another death on an already heavy conscience? 

The woman’s face went from red to a deep purple. A large vein surfaced down the centre of her forehead, capillaries burst in her eyes, face smeared with Ellie’s blood, and yet she stared back at Ellie defiantly. 

“Do it,” she choked. 

Then, her face was Joel’s, gasping and mangled on the floor. Ellie cried out, stumbled backwards off of her onto her hands. The woman coughed and spluttered clutching at her throat. Ellie got to her feet. “Don’t let me see you again.” 

She exited the house. 

X

The days saw Ellie sweating and sunburnt, she walked until the point of exhaustion. Temperatures plummeted in the evenings and Ellie scrambled to find a warm place each night. Living off the land, living alone, Ellie had no walls to keep her safe, no team of trained men and women with guns taking first watch while she slept. Ellie was truly alone. 

Her stomach rumbled. She made her way to the traps she’d set earlier in the morning only to find them empty. 

“Damn it.” 

She often forgot to eat, had lost more weight than could be healthy in the months that had passed. She looked closer, the traps had caught something but an animal must have taken it. She made a mental note to not leave them for too long next time in case it happened again. For tonight, she would go hungry, it was easy to ignore at this point. 

Ellie set up her tent and bed roll and climbed in. Her head pounded and she touched a hesitant finger to the tender wound on her forehead, remembered the blinding pain of being struck with the stock end of the woman’s gun. Why she didn’t kill Ellie when she had the chance Ellie would never know. No one was safe in this world and Ellie presumed the woman already dead if she didn’t kill everyone she came in contact with. 

X

_“I was meant to die in that hospital!”_

Ellie woke with a start, panting, sweating. It was still dark outside her tent, she packed her things and made for an early start on the day. It wasn’t an hour before she came across infected amongst the trees and took them down silently. 

Ellie had seen infected before, had killed thousands of them, but something about this lot made her stop and _really_ look at the bodies. One of them was that of a child. Consumed by the fungus, its face had begun to split into the familiar head of a Clicker. She thought of Sam and a tear slid down her cheek. She looked at the other two and one was still wearing a watch, even after so many years. It reminded her of-

Ellie took a breath, she wouldn’t go down that path, it only lead to suffering.  
She spent the next few hours digging and buried the three of them together, placing the watch on top of the fresh earth. 

When she was done, she pulled on her back pack and turned away. 

_“My life would have fucking mattered.”_

X

Ellie stood beneath the afternoon sun as it beat down on her skin. A suburban street of old decaying houses stretched before her and she remembered being in a place like this when she was younger. 

She swallowed down the ache. 

Ellie headed towards the nearest house, the straps of her back pack now thoroughly biting into her skin, she couldn’t wait to get it off. Inside was as expected, rotted wood, damaged furniture and nothing to scavenge. She dropped her bag, sighing with relief as she rubbed the blood back into her shoulders. 

She Untied the rabbit she’d shot earlier that morning from her bag, skinned and gutted it easily as she had been doing for years. Her stomach grumbled, it had been some time since her last meal. Ellie needed to start a fire but if there were hunters in the area it would draw attention, she hesitated but when again her stomach rumbled, she gave in deciding it was better to be shot by hunters than to starve. 

She lit a fire in the old fireplace and roasted the rabbit, the smell made her mouth water but she held off until it was fully cooked and put out the fire quickly after, knowing she would yearn for its warmth once the sun went down but not willing to risk that kind of exposure. She devoured as much of the rabbit as her shrunken stomach could handle, tomorrow she would hunt properly, maybe set up camp here for a few days and gather supplies before heading on her way again. Upstairs she found a bed and sighed, there wasn’t too much water damage and although it smelt of must, it would be okay for a night or two. She rolled out her sleeping bag and climbed in, not taking the time to undress, for if an intruder came upon her, she would be ready. 

Ellie stared at the ceiling, the sun was only now beginning to set and it was times like these she wished she had somebody with her, to keep watch while she slept. Then she remembered that she was alone for a reason. That when she cared for people, they died. That she deserved this and more. Overcome with exhaustion and a full stomach her eyes fell closed, gun resting at her side, she fell into a fitful sleep. 

She woke early the next morning, relieved and oddly disappointed as she was most mornings that no one had found and tried to kill her during the night. Priority today was to find water and to hunt. She ate a quick breakfast of leftover rabbit, rolled her sleeping bag, pulled on her pack, groaning at the familiar ache it placed upon her shoulders and slipped out of the house undercover of early morning darkness. 

X

By afternoon Ellie had a couple squirrels tied to her pack, feeling good she ventured further, she had yet to stumble upon a water source and was determined to find one as her canteen was running low.

She’d been meandering through the thick foliage; certain water was just out of reach when she heard them. Voices. They echoed off the trees around her, Ellie dropped down into the tall grass. _Keep going._ She changed direction, and hoped she hadn’t left an easy trail for them to follow. _Don’t stop._ The sound of a woman’s scream. Ellie hesitated, _It’s not my problem._ And yet… Ellie kept low, turned back and crept toward the voices. The closer she got the more distinct they became. A group of men jeering and shouting and the occasional grunt of pain from a woman. 

Ellie peered through the trees, gasped at what she saw and immediately clamped a hand to her mouth for being so reckless. Three men, all of them armed, in the middle a woman on her knees, one of the men held her by the hair pulling her neck at an angle so sharp Ellie was surprised it hadn’t snapped. 

“Please,” she said. “Just-”

The man holding her sneered, he let go of her hair and kicked her in the side of the ribs. The woman cried out, falling to her side. Ellie could see her wrists were bound. She assumed the same could be said for the woman’s legs. 

“You think you can steal our food and get away with it? Did you think we wouldn’t notice?” He kicked her again and she gasped, winded and unable to take in air. The other two men jeered with encouragement. He picked her up again by the hair, pulling her face close to his. It was now Ellie recognised her as the woman from the house, the one she’d nearly killed. “Y’know, you’re lucky we don’t just slit your throat.”

The woman stared back defiantly, spat in his face. “Why don’t you?” 

He threw her to the ground, enraged. Her head split against a rock and a steady stream of blood trickled down the side of her face. Did she want to die? Why was she encouraging him?

The man wiped the spit from his face and squatted down in front of her. “You’re of no use to me and my buddies here dead, now are you?” He smiled. Ellie’s stomach dropped. 

_It’s not my problem_

_Walk away_

_Just walk away_

“Say fellas?” He looked to the other two men, “Take a walk.” The men grumbled at being dismissed, but obeyed turning to wander into the woods. 

Ellie ducked down further as the men came close to where she was hidden. She released a breath when they didn’t stop but instead continued on their way. She turned to follow them through the woods. 

“God he’s a fuckin’ asshole.” 

The other one laughed. “You’re just pissed off ‘cause he gets the girl first.”

The first one grumbled in response and veered off to the side. “I gotta take a piss.” 

Ellie took that as her chance. She crept round to the side where the second man couldn’t see her, finding cover in the trees and foliage. She drew closer to the unsuspecting man. He unzipped his pants, urinating on an ants’ nest. “You’re just pissed off-” He muttered under his breath mimicking the other man. “I’m the one who found the fuckin’ bitch. Should be me over th-” Ellie sunk her knife into his neck, she ripped it across, feeling the sinewy muscle and tendons snap like too tight elastic. The man grabbed at her with his arms, Ellie expecting this, avoided them. She held tight, felt blood pour down the length of her arm. The man stumbled, losing balance and eventually succumbed to the blood loss. He fell to the ground and Ellie found cover once again in the bushes. 

The smell of iron threatened to take her, first were the images of his face and her breathing quickened. She shook her head; this couldn’t happen now. The second man stood some metres away. She had to be quick before he noticed his friend was dead. A scream from the woman back at their camp made Ellie move. 

The second man laughed, “Hear that? Sounds like they’re having a good time.” When there was no response, he walked closer to where the body of his friend now laid. “Oh c’mon. You’re not actually pissed are you?” Again there was no response. He cocked his rifle, forcing a round into the chamber. “Danny?”

Ellie jumped. The knife dug into his throat but not in the right spot. “What the f-” He threw Ellie off of him, much stronger than the first man and she landed hard on her back, she coughed as the wind was sucked from her lungs. He picked up his rifle from where it had fallen and Ellie lunged again before he could fire off a round. They fell to the ground, Ellie on top of him and she pulled the bloody knife from his throat. The man’s eyes widened as he watched her bring it down again into his neck. She pulled it out again and this time he stopped her, despite having two holes in his neck he was still strong and threw Ellie off of him to the side. He reached for his rifle again but Ellie was quicker and kicked it away. 

_C’mon, pass out._

He scrambled to his knees, the front of his shirt soaked a dark crimson. He clutched a hand to his throat to stop the bleeding but by now it was too late and Ellie was already behind him with the knife. This time she held him by the hair and made a sharp jagged slice under his chin to finish him for good. She let go when his body slackened and let him fall to the ground. 

Ellie leaned panting against a tree and when another scream came from the woman, took off at a run, no longer caring to be quiet. When she got to the clearing where the men had set up camp, the woman was naked, bleeding profusely from the head while the leader of their little group held her down. 

Her legs had been untied and she kicked at him wildly. 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” 

“Oh, I’m gonna do more than that,” he unzipped his pants and Ellie stepped out into the clearing. 

The sound of Ellie’s gun firing echoed off of the woods around them. It was always risky to shoot because she never knew when infected and hunters were going to show up. Ellie had weighed the odds and deemed this a good use of a bullet. 

The man clutched at his leg and the woman seized the opportunity to kick him in the face. He fell backwards and Ellie reloaded the gun, coming towards him. His eyes widened, he stumbled back to try and get away from her. “No, no!” He shouted. “Danny! Mike!” 

Ellie pointed the gun at his head. “Your friends are dead.” 

She fired. 

Ellie wiped the blood and brain matter from her face, smearing it onto the sleeve of her shirt. She stood panting, still clutching the gun when movement from beside her made her remember the woman. She pointed her gun out of instinct and the woman wriggled backwards as best she could in surrender. She looked terrified, Ellie lowered the gun. 

They stayed in their positions, panting heavily, neither one willing to move first. Eventually Ellie took a step towards the dead man at her feet and the woman flinched in response. 

_She’s afraid of me,_ Ellie realised. And when she glanced down at herself she understood why, Ellie looked like a crazed maniac. Covered in blood wielding a weapon and having just killed three men. Ellie would have put the gun down to put her mind at ease but she didn’t trust there wasn’t more of them around. Instead she pulled out her knife and approached the woman from behind. 

“Do it quickly,” She said. 

She thought Ellie was going to kill her. Ellie reached for the woman’s wrists where the binding of rope was so tight it had cut into her skin, her hands were purple from the loss of circulation. Ellie cut through the rope and the woman pulled her hands into herself nursing the torn skin. 

Ellie pulled off the dead man’s shirt and threw it to the woman, it was stained, but for now it would do. “Here.”

She pulled it on. Ellie did the same with the man’s pants, they were too big for her but she pulled them on as well, tightening the belt as far as it would go. 

Ellie lowered her weapon and sat down on one of the logs before the fire. keeping an eye on the woman in her peripheral. All Ellie could smell and taste was the metallic stench of iron, if she didn’t wash it off soon the flashbacks would start and she would surely vomit. Today had not gone as planned, today was meant to be about water and hunting. She conceded she did hunt today but not anything she’d intended. 

The woman moved to collect the dead man’s gun and placed herself on the opposing log in front of the fire. She limped when she moved and Ellie could tell she was trying to supress the pain of an injury. 

“Did he touch you?” She asked, and there was more venom in her voice than she’d intended. That kind of thing was rampant in this world, a woman travelling alone was dangerous. Ellie couldn’t help but blame herself for all the suffering that had been endured. If she’d had the chance to give herself over to the fireflies all those years ago, maybe the world could have gone back to normal. Maybe there wouldn’t have been a group of men waiting to prey on a young woman alone in the woods. Maybe… there was no use in maybe’s.

The woman looked at Ellie as if to say, _can’t you see my head bleeding? Of course he touched me._ But then her eyes widened into understanding and she shook her head. “No, no you got here just when-”

“Good.”

Ellie searched through her bag for the remainder of her water. The smell of blood was beginning to make her sick. She removed her soaked shirt and threw it on the ground. The woman didn’t turn away, instead continuing to watch. Ellie splashed the water onto her face, chest and arms to get off as much blood as she could before pulling on a fresh shirt from her pack. She’d have to raid one of the houses back in the suburbs for another spare. The smell of blood lingered still but it had lessened and Ellie sighed in relief. 

The woman gasped. “You’re the girl I hit with my gun, why did you help me?” 

It would have been smarter for her to keep going, to ignore the cries of a stranger. Killing three men wasn’t a smart move when you had a group of people with you, let alone doing it on your own. 

Ellie didn’t know how to answer, instead she asked. “What’s your name?” 

The woman said nothing, of course she wouldn’t tell her. It was different back in Jackson, people could talk and share and ulterior motives didn’t exist. But out here it was different, telling someone your name meant giving them power, power to influence, to coerce, to harm. Her silence spoke louder than any name could because what she was really saying was _I don’t trust you._ And Ellie understood, she didn’t trust her either. 

Ellie didn’t want to stay here long. They were exposed in the open and there could still be more from the group that had yet to return. Ellie rose from her place near the fire, pulled on her pack. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Leaving.” She wasn’t going to stay here and get captured, if the other girl was smart she’d leave too. Ellie paused, “You should leave, too. It’s not safe here.” 

The woman scoffed, “It’s not safe anywhere.” 

_Maybe it could have been…_

The woman stood, attempted to walk now that the rush of adrenalin had worn off and fell back to her seat on the log with a grunt. “Can you walk?” Ellie asked. Her mind taking her back before she could push it away. _Then fucking walk!_

“Look, I don’t need your help, okay? You can go.” 

Ellie went back into the woods to find the men she’d killed, she took their weapons, bullets, searched their bags for food and found some dried apricots, and a canister of water. They wouldn’t be needing it anymore. 

She did consider leaving, heading back to the small house in the suburbs, but ultimately knew she couldn’t leave this stubborn woman. Ellie had killed and tortured a lot of people in her short time on this earth, it wasn’t like it would have been a hard decision to go, let the woman get killed or starve, what did it matter to Ellie? 

And yet…

Ellie found the woman tending to her wounds, she was trying to wrap a strip of fabric around her ankle. She stopped what she was doing when she saw Ellie had returned. “I told you, you can go.” When she saw that Ellie was carrying another gun, she hesitated. “Or have you come to kill me?” 

“Relax,” Ellie said. She reached into her bag and threw the dried apricots she’d found toward the woman. “Eat. I found it in their bags.”

Eventually the woman gave in to hunger and tore into the apricots. Ellie made use of the fire and gutted and skinned the two squirrels she’d hunted that morning, cooking them on sticks over the open flame. The woman watched her the entire time, chewing slowly. When they were cooked, Ellie handed her a whole squirrel, sat back and ate her own. Not realising how famished she was until the grease and fat from the squirrel touched her lips. It melted on her tongue and she restrained a pleasured groan.

The woman hesitated but the smell of fresh meat was too alluring and she ate the squirrel as voraciously as she had the apricots. It was then Ellie remembered what the men had been saying to her when she’d stumbled upon them. You think you can steal our food and get away with it? 

“You were stealing their food.” They hadn’t spoken in over an hour. “That was pretty stupid.” 

“I do what I have to to survive.”

“Seems like a good way to get yourself killed.” 

She shrugged, ignoring Ellie’s comment. 

The sun sunk below the tree line and a chill was beginning to set into the air. Ellie would never let a fire burn after dark, it was an invitation to anyone and anything that wanted them dead. She kicked dirt over the flames, the woman seemed to want to protest but said nothing. Ellie rolled out her sleeping bag and the woman did the same, her movement was slow and laboured, Ellie could see how much pain she was in but ignored it for the sake of her dignity. 

They had both come to the silent agreement they would be spending the night together at this camp site. Ellie yawned, “I’ll take first watch.” 

“No way. I will.” 

Ellie sighed knowing she would be difficult; though she didn’t trust the woman either. They were at a stalemate. 

A cold wind swept over the camp site, it shook the trees around them and both girl’s shifted down deeper into their respective sleeping bags. 

“Guess we’re both not sleeping then,” Ellie said. 

“Guess not,” she responded. In the dark, Ellie allowed herself to smile. 

X

Ellie was jerked awake by a hard kick to the leg, her eyes locked onto the barrel of a gun in front of her face. “You killed my friends!” A man shouted. Ellie looked up into the wild eyes of a hunter, then behind him to see that the woman was gone, her sleeping bag packed away. Ellie knew it was stupid, reckless to spend the night at a camp site out in the open and stupider still to think her helping a stranger would mean some kind of alliance. The man grew tired of Ellie’s silence and pulled her up by the neck of her shirt. He slammed her against the tree she’d rested on during the night, held one arm across her throat preventing her from taking a breath. He loaded the gun against her head and what was usually a small click reverberated in her skull like thunder.

He was panting and red in the face as he shouted again. “Answer me!” Spit flew onto Ellie’s cheek. She couldn’t have answered if she’d wanted to, the pressure across her neck was so strong she could feel the capillaries begin to burst in her eyes, her lungs screamed for oxygen. 

Ellie fumbled for her switch blade and jammed it into the side of his knee. He let out a cry and dropped her. Ellie gagged on the ground, taking great lungful’s of air and coughing as she tried to crawl back to her feet. A gun shot fired and the earth beside Ellie exploded. _Time to run._ She got to her feet but he tripped her, she fell to the ground again and the man kicked her onto her back, placed a boot on her chest and aimed the gun at her face. 

A shot fired. Ellie’s eyes closed instinctively against the impact. She felt blood, a mist on her face and the sudden suffocating weight of a two-hundred-pound man landing on top of her. Was she dead? She opened her eyes to see the man’s half blown off face inches from her own. His body slumped on top of hers may well have been a boulder, she tried to push him off when she noticed the woman standing above her, gun in hand. She lowered the weapon and together they pushed the man off of Ellie. 

Ellie looked at her in disbelief. “I thought you’d gone.”

“I did,” she answered calmly. “Then I saw that asshole and figured I owed you one.” 

Ellie didn’t know what to say, was stunned into silence as her adrenalin waned. The woman reached out a hand. Ellie eyed it warily. 

The woman rolled her eyes. “Just take it.” 

Ellie did, she reached out her three fingered hand and the woman pulled her to her feet with a strength Ellie hadn’t expected. When they stood facing each other, the woman pulled her hand back. “My name’s Dina.”

And what Ellie heard was, _I trust you._

X


End file.
